Getting Out of My Safe Zone

Sometimes, it is tempting to take the the easy road. To do what you want, rather than trying to please others. Because of my very nature, I often prefer to hole up on the compound, and not go out into the "rest of the world". There are several reasons for this. Some valid, some medical, and some others would say are excuses. But, they all make up a part of who I am. And, looking 40 in the eye....I've accepted myself.

Yesterday, feeling a bit bored, I suggested to Ricky that we go for a drive. Usually, when I say this, it can easily be translated = I want to ride through more of the country and take pictures. That is my obsession, photos. They capture moments in time, and can bring back such vivid memories years, decades later. But yesterday, I had another motive.

Years ago, in a flea market, I found a pair of ankle high, soft soled, moccasins. I bought them, and immediately fell in love. (those of you who know anything about me, realize I HATE shoes, and am barefoot 95% of the time) However, wearing a pair of soft soled mocs is the closest you can come to being barefoot, and still be allowed into places like stores, banks, etc. They finally developed holes several years ago. I've looked, half heartedly for a replacement pair, with no luck. But now, living smack dab in the middle of Oklahoma.....I'm thinking I can find some!

As I am getting dressed, and putting my face on, Ricky asks if we should invite aunt. She gets out of the house, but not often. So, I asked if she wanted to ride along, and she jumped on the offer. The three of us pile into my montero and head out. Our first stop was "cowtown". To make a long story short, 4 stops, and many miles later.. I had to throw in the towel and give up. No one carries the soft soles.

At this point, we are all getting a bit hungry, and my dear Ricky suggested we go to Firelake. It's a casino, with a huge buffet. My aunt's eyes lit up. She enjoys going to the casinos and playing slots. On the whole, this doesn't sound like a huge ordeal. But, this is me.

I'm a bit agorophobic, and suffer from panic attacks. To a panic attack sufferer, a casino would rate in the top 5 toxic places. An overload of senses....too many people, too much noise, flashing lights everywhere, too much motion, smells...I could go on, but you get the idea. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and agreed.

We got there, and had a very nice dinner. Then aunt was off and running. Ricky & I sat at the table a bit longer, while I smoked a ciggie & had a Beam and coke. We talked about everything & nothing. Just keeping me focused on him, and not the total chaos that was happening outside the cafeteria barrier. Then, with resolve, I ventured out into the play area.

We stayed about 2 hours. Ricky had fun, and my aunt had a blast. I did okay. The ride home was the best part, as we talked and laughed. I realized that the "little bit of effort" that I had put forth, made two other people very happy. I so easily could have insisted we come back home, rather than walking into what I knew was not a safe place for me. I'm glad that I didn't.